Remembering the Early Days....
This is something that I have always said has started from a one night stand after a very unsavory date/hookup one weekend. Even though this is the first time that I had an experience with a dominant man in a consensual context, this is not my earliest memories of my submissiveness. That goes back to high school or even before.
A little background about me, I grew up in a very conservative christian household. You go to church on Sunday morning and night. You also went on Wednesday night for prayer meeting or as I got older youth group. This was easy as I was a pastor's kid. (Yes, yes I know...."oooo a pastor's kid that explains it all," but not really.) This was only for the first few years. I was about 5 when my father was no longer a pastor and moved into other forms of ministry. However, I was still held to the standards of children are to be seen not heard, women are to be submissive to their husbands, if something is wrong in your marriage/relationship you fix it you don't just give up. This would be my first experience seeing a "submissive" woman but in the biblical sense. Not in the way I see myself now.
As I got older, I got into high school. I became the nerdy, overweight girl who had only a few close friends and would be bullied by everyone. This I would say is the first time in my life where I personally felt like I was "submissive". I use the quotes because, yet again, I do not consider the submissiveness I displayed back then and what I display now as the same. I became very withdrawn, I hated confrontation, and if anyone showed me any attention I would pretend it wasn't happening. I never had a date my entire four years of high school, I danced with one boy out of all the dances I went to, I went to my senior prom alone. For all intents and purposes, I was the wall flower, the outcast, the socially awkward nerd. I kept my head down, grades up and just wanted to get through without any issues.
When high school ended, I stayed with family over the summer helping them with some things around their house and this was my first introduction to the physical touch of a man, however it was not in the way I wanted it to be. I had the one thing I had been told by everything I was taught growing up that I should keep for my future husband ripped from me without my consent. I felt like I was a failure like I would never be wanted by someone now that I wasn't a virgin when I was to meet them. This would eventually lead to a traumatic experience later on in life. I hated myself and felt like because of this that my family would see me as dirty and unwanted. So I never told them.
Then came college. I was moving halfway across the country it was my first taste of freedom without my parents breathing down my neck about every little thing I did. I met my first boyfriend when I went for orientation while signing up for classes. We exchanged emails, IM screen names, and were making plans for our first year at college together. He was a year older but I didn't mind. He even told me he wanted to marry me and would really propose once I got to college. However, this was when the world was all crazy from the 9/11 attacks and I was still a young naive girl who had never really been out into the world. I had never dealt with what I would later realize was one of the worst things anyone could do to someone. But in the moment, I had to deal with what was my first heartbreak when I was told my now fiance had been killed in action. I didn't know what to do. I was never prepared for this. I never had the help of my mother to get through a heartbreak as I was never allowed to date. My new friends at college helped me but we were all young and dumb as we say back then and we decided to get drunk and drink away my problems.
Shortly after that I met the man who I would marry. Things were great the first two years of our relationship. He was going to college, we were taking the same classes, I would stay at his place on the weekends. I thought I was in love. Instead of listening to my family, I was tired of living under their rules. I was 19, a woman, and doing well as a student. I thought I knew everything. Boy was I wrong! April 15, 2006 was the day that my life would change forever. I got married! Not only did I get married, but I did so without even telling my family. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with my only child and I honestly was scared out of my mind. However, I never realized how scared I should have been. In the coming months to follow, I lost count of the number of hospital trips and er trips and doctors appointments I had. Not only those but how many lies I had to come up with as to why I had to make those visits. You see, shortly into my marriage my then husband broached the subject of me not being a virgin when we met and he could tell. He was the first person I had told about the rape. Instead of being the supportive husband I expected, my life turned into a living hell. I would be beaten or mentally abused being told I was worthless. After our child was born, I thought things would get better but they just got worse. Instead of us trying to communicate and work through our problems, I was punished for trying to. Whether it was the silent treatment, his multiple affairs, or at times being thrown into whatever he could find to throw me into; including a metal desk. Finally, I found a way out and took it and never looked back.
Since leaving him, I took an extremely long period of time off from the "dating" scene. I wasn't a virgin anymore. Anyone who knew me knew that since I had a kid. So why not have some fun while trying to heal. This lead to multiple one night stands and yet another unsavory occurrence with someone I thought could be something steady. After approximately ten years, I finally said I was done just screwing around and I wanted to find someone stable, someone who wasn't just looking to hook up. I started dating, and found all kinds of people, some who were okay but more concerned with the bottom dollar than actual love. Others who couldn't get over their exes. Or just those who were overall psychotic.
And this is what led to the one night stand that introduced me to the lifestyle. He was gentle yet rough, understanding yet took control. He made sure I was okay with everything he did, yet made me feel like I had no say. Yes I know that may sound like and oxymoron but when I was in that headspace, I felt like I knew I could trust him. From that point on I started researching. However, due to some of the people I met along my journey in the beginning, I am now learning that I wasn't taught the correct way. That I wasn't necessarily "trained" to be a proper submissive and take the time to really vette and get to know those who I am making this commitment to. This is something that is not an overnight thing. I cannot emphasize enough the amount of time I believe someone needs to take the time to research and learn the basics.
I think my biggest regret about not being properly educated is the lack of self awareness I should have had and the ability I thought I couldn't have being a submissive. When I started on this journey, I was originally told the difference between submissives and slaves were that submissives had a choice they had some what of a voice; where as slaves gave up everything. However, through my past four years, I have participated in various groups that are meant for temporary dynamics (ones where you pair with different partners anywhere from 48 hours to 5-7 days depending on the group.) During one of these dynamics, I had a partner tell me I had slave tendencies, but I was scared to explore them as I have specific limits for reasons and I have severe trust issues because of my past relationships. As I went on, a future dynamic asked me to research what makes a good slave and I realized that as a slave you are actually a stronger than your average submissive. They know themselves, they know their limits, boundaries, and when to say no. They have excellent communication and negotiation skills. They have a connection that is stronger than most other D/s dynamics. In fact, they do not lose much they gain the world because they have a complete understanding of what they are getting into and until I have that level I will never consider myself a slave, maybe a service submissive at times but not a slave. Also, I will never call a Dominant Master unless they have completely and utterly earned my complete submission and I trust them with every fiber and every aspect of my life and being.
For me, I wish I had taken the time to learn the basics before getting into my first dynamic. In my first dynamic, things went well but then things took a turn. We went into a protectorship (if you want to call it that) of a mutual friend. She was going through some tough times with Doms. However, shortly after we started protecting her, my Dominant wanted to start a TPE (Total Power Exchange) with me. He was trying to control every aspect of my life from what I ate, to when I went to the bathroom. I told him I was not ready for that. When we started to try and negotiate, he would not budge. I told him I was not ready for that and when he tried to force it on me. I finally told him if he expected me to go into something I was not comfortable with I was going to end the dynamic. Which he did not fight me on me leaving. When I finally talked to my good friend later that night, I found out he had moved on with the girl we were protecting within the first eighteen hours of us splitting up. It was at that point I first started wondering if I was doing something wrong. However, after multiple failed dynamics and relationships, I have started learning I need to voice my needs and wants.
I have learned in the last year who I am more in the lifestyle. I met my current partner through an online chat about two years ago, and he has been there to walk me through hell. One day after seeing going through so many down times, he decides to ask me to be his. I have never looked back. He has shown me true love and unconditional love. I have never experienced this before. He has saved my life literally and figuratively. This man is not afraid of letting me tell him my needs and wants. If I am upset, he will let me vent. When he does something that upsets me, he lets me tell him and I don't feel like I am going to get my head bit off or worse. I feel safe and secure with him. Even when my own head gets in my way and I am worried he is going to leave or tell me he can't take any more of me, he tells me he has two goals he has to fulfill: one making me his wife, and two making my son his legally. He says he will never stop loving me.
A little background about me, I grew up in a very conservative christian household. You go to church on Sunday morning and night. You also went on Wednesday night for prayer meeting or as I got older youth group. This was easy as I was a pastor's kid. (Yes, yes I know...."oooo a pastor's kid that explains it all," but not really.) This was only for the first few years. I was about 5 when my father was no longer a pastor and moved into other forms of ministry. However, I was still held to the standards of children are to be seen not heard, women are to be submissive to their husbands, if something is wrong in your marriage/relationship you fix it you don't just give up. This would be my first experience seeing a "submissive" woman but in the biblical sense. Not in the way I see myself now.
As I got older, I got into high school. I became the nerdy, overweight girl who had only a few close friends and would be bullied by everyone. This I would say is the first time in my life where I personally felt like I was "submissive". I use the quotes because, yet again, I do not consider the submissiveness I displayed back then and what I display now as the same. I became very withdrawn, I hated confrontation, and if anyone showed me any attention I would pretend it wasn't happening. I never had a date my entire four years of high school, I danced with one boy out of all the dances I went to, I went to my senior prom alone. For all intents and purposes, I was the wall flower, the outcast, the socially awkward nerd. I kept my head down, grades up and just wanted to get through without any issues.
When high school ended, I stayed with family over the summer helping them with some things around their house and this was my first introduction to the physical touch of a man, however it was not in the way I wanted it to be. I had the one thing I had been told by everything I was taught growing up that I should keep for my future husband ripped from me without my consent. I felt like I was a failure like I would never be wanted by someone now that I wasn't a virgin when I was to meet them. This would eventually lead to a traumatic experience later on in life. I hated myself and felt like because of this that my family would see me as dirty and unwanted. So I never told them.
Then came college. I was moving halfway across the country it was my first taste of freedom without my parents breathing down my neck about every little thing I did. I met my first boyfriend when I went for orientation while signing up for classes. We exchanged emails, IM screen names, and were making plans for our first year at college together. He was a year older but I didn't mind. He even told me he wanted to marry me and would really propose once I got to college. However, this was when the world was all crazy from the 9/11 attacks and I was still a young naive girl who had never really been out into the world. I had never dealt with what I would later realize was one of the worst things anyone could do to someone. But in the moment, I had to deal with what was my first heartbreak when I was told my now fiance had been killed in action. I didn't know what to do. I was never prepared for this. I never had the help of my mother to get through a heartbreak as I was never allowed to date. My new friends at college helped me but we were all young and dumb as we say back then and we decided to get drunk and drink away my problems.
Shortly after that I met the man who I would marry. Things were great the first two years of our relationship. He was going to college, we were taking the same classes, I would stay at his place on the weekends. I thought I was in love. Instead of listening to my family, I was tired of living under their rules. I was 19, a woman, and doing well as a student. I thought I knew everything. Boy was I wrong! April 15, 2006 was the day that my life would change forever. I got married! Not only did I get married, but I did so without even telling my family. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with my only child and I honestly was scared out of my mind. However, I never realized how scared I should have been. In the coming months to follow, I lost count of the number of hospital trips and er trips and doctors appointments I had. Not only those but how many lies I had to come up with as to why I had to make those visits. You see, shortly into my marriage my then husband broached the subject of me not being a virgin when we met and he could tell. He was the first person I had told about the rape. Instead of being the supportive husband I expected, my life turned into a living hell. I would be beaten or mentally abused being told I was worthless. After our child was born, I thought things would get better but they just got worse. Instead of us trying to communicate and work through our problems, I was punished for trying to. Whether it was the silent treatment, his multiple affairs, or at times being thrown into whatever he could find to throw me into; including a metal desk. Finally, I found a way out and took it and never looked back.
Since leaving him, I took an extremely long period of time off from the "dating" scene. I wasn't a virgin anymore. Anyone who knew me knew that since I had a kid. So why not have some fun while trying to heal. This lead to multiple one night stands and yet another unsavory occurrence with someone I thought could be something steady. After approximately ten years, I finally said I was done just screwing around and I wanted to find someone stable, someone who wasn't just looking to hook up. I started dating, and found all kinds of people, some who were okay but more concerned with the bottom dollar than actual love. Others who couldn't get over their exes. Or just those who were overall psychotic.
And this is what led to the one night stand that introduced me to the lifestyle. He was gentle yet rough, understanding yet took control. He made sure I was okay with everything he did, yet made me feel like I had no say. Yes I know that may sound like and oxymoron but when I was in that headspace, I felt like I knew I could trust him. From that point on I started researching. However, due to some of the people I met along my journey in the beginning, I am now learning that I wasn't taught the correct way. That I wasn't necessarily "trained" to be a proper submissive and take the time to really vette and get to know those who I am making this commitment to. This is something that is not an overnight thing. I cannot emphasize enough the amount of time I believe someone needs to take the time to research and learn the basics.
I think my biggest regret about not being properly educated is the lack of self awareness I should have had and the ability I thought I couldn't have being a submissive. When I started on this journey, I was originally told the difference between submissives and slaves were that submissives had a choice they had some what of a voice; where as slaves gave up everything. However, through my past four years, I have participated in various groups that are meant for temporary dynamics (ones where you pair with different partners anywhere from 48 hours to 5-7 days depending on the group.) During one of these dynamics, I had a partner tell me I had slave tendencies, but I was scared to explore them as I have specific limits for reasons and I have severe trust issues because of my past relationships. As I went on, a future dynamic asked me to research what makes a good slave and I realized that as a slave you are actually a stronger than your average submissive. They know themselves, they know their limits, boundaries, and when to say no. They have excellent communication and negotiation skills. They have a connection that is stronger than most other D/s dynamics. In fact, they do not lose much they gain the world because they have a complete understanding of what they are getting into and until I have that level I will never consider myself a slave, maybe a service submissive at times but not a slave. Also, I will never call a Dominant Master unless they have completely and utterly earned my complete submission and I trust them with every fiber and every aspect of my life and being.
For me, I wish I had taken the time to learn the basics before getting into my first dynamic. In my first dynamic, things went well but then things took a turn. We went into a protectorship (if you want to call it that) of a mutual friend. She was going through some tough times with Doms. However, shortly after we started protecting her, my Dominant wanted to start a TPE (Total Power Exchange) with me. He was trying to control every aspect of my life from what I ate, to when I went to the bathroom. I told him I was not ready for that. When we started to try and negotiate, he would not budge. I told him I was not ready for that and when he tried to force it on me. I finally told him if he expected me to go into something I was not comfortable with I was going to end the dynamic. Which he did not fight me on me leaving. When I finally talked to my good friend later that night, I found out he had moved on with the girl we were protecting within the first eighteen hours of us splitting up. It was at that point I first started wondering if I was doing something wrong. However, after multiple failed dynamics and relationships, I have started learning I need to voice my needs and wants.
I have learned in the last year who I am more in the lifestyle. I met my current partner through an online chat about two years ago, and he has been there to walk me through hell. One day after seeing going through so many down times, he decides to ask me to be his. I have never looked back. He has shown me true love and unconditional love. I have never experienced this before. He has saved my life literally and figuratively. This man is not afraid of letting me tell him my needs and wants. If I am upset, he will let me vent. When he does something that upsets me, he lets me tell him and I don't feel like I am going to get my head bit off or worse. I feel safe and secure with him. Even when my own head gets in my way and I am worried he is going to leave or tell me he can't take any more of me, he tells me he has two goals he has to fulfill: one making me his wife, and two making my son his legally. He says he will never stop loving me.
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